Episode 1: Old Cat Rants Out Loud

I suppose I should begin by telling you who I am. That’s usually how these things start, isn’t it? 

Naw, fuck that: the truth is, it doesn’t really matter who I am. Like you, I’m just another one of precisely eleventy-billion, ugly, hairless monkeys with an internet connection and an exaggerated sense of self importance. 

I’m not rich or famous, and I’m not here to sing you a song or write you a custom slash-fic. I’m not sexy, I don’t have “noodz” and under absolutely no circumstances do I want to “cyber” with you. Actually, while we’re on the subject – I’m not a really a cat either, so you can keep your cum-stained paws to yourself if that’s alright. 

 

I’m not here to save the spotted owl, tell you who to vote for or explain why you’re a shitlord for ignoring the plight of oppressed tool and die makers from east Buttfuckistan.  

Finally, I’m not here to sell you anything either – although, if some day you want to subscribe to my channel because you think leaving a dangerous lunatic such as myself in the public work force is a colossally, bad idea – well, nobody is stopping you.

No, gentle listener, I’m actually here just to talk.  You see, I am possessed of a specific, paradoxical type of mental defect where I can stand neither solitude, nor the company of stupid people. I call this state “having two brain cells to rub together” but you’re free to assume I’m just batshit insane. 

Unfortunately, I also have a job that requires me to maintain some form of decorum and therein lies the problem. I spend all day - virtually every day - pretending that I like other people for money, while simultaneously growing more repulsed and alienated by the people I see around me. 

 

The world hasn’t just become stupid; it’s embraced stupidity as some form of idyllic state we should all aspire to, because, apparently dumb people are happy. Every moment, of every hour and every day of your entire life, you (and I) have been encouraged to suppress our own intellect and allow someone else to think for us. 

From cradle to grave we are indoctrinated into a society that declares each and every one of us the pinnacle of creation – and then aggressively stomps out any signs of individuality, self determination and free will we exhibit at each waking opportunity.

I would love to tell you that this is all part of some grand conspiracy theory – that would certainly be more interesting wouldn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s rather difficult to have a conspiracy when everything I’m talking about is right in the open. 

You see, it’s simply easier to control and profit from a stunned, infantilized populace that’s been trained to crash from desire to desire without a second thought for what it means to be human. While I hope to discuss the “reasons” for all this at some later point in time, for now it is enough to say that my money is on naked ambition and rampant self interest as opposed to a shadowy cabal of wealthy elites who’ve been planning this since the dawn of time.

And of course, we are also complicit because we tolerate this infantalization. We tolerate it because our parents tolerated it. We tolerate it because not one single person on this wretched mudball has ever known any different. We tolerate it because we like TV shows, the Internet and Katy Perry music videos. We tolerate it because every day the news reminds us that some poor dirt-farming bastard in South Shitholeville has it much worse. We tolerate it because we don’t want to be ostracized, for to question the ebb and flow of your shitty little life is the ultimate sin when you’re surrounded by people pretending the impulse to consume is synonymous with joy. Mostly though, we tolerate it because we’d like to be left alone to attempt to wrangle some sense of happiness and worth out of our brief existence.

Look, not one person listening to this diatribe needs me to tell them that shit is pretty fucked up right now. Turn on a television or use your internet connection for something besides downloading cat pictures and graphic shit porn.

The whole world is swinging towards violent extremism at a terrifying pace – there’s not enough food, money or willpower on the planet to provide two cars, big screen televisions and fucking Happy Meals to everyone and we all know it.

Nations everywhere are using technology to monitor people in ways that would make the fucking Stazi downright jealous. Our leaders disguise wars as humanitarian actions and a complicit corporate media continues to sell those lies for however long it takes them to finish killing everyone who opposes their interests. 

 

One of the most powerful nations on earth has been revealed to be either a disgusting, writhing mass of pedophiles or a pathetic, simpering nest of rats who lie to protect pedophiles – just to avoid making a big fucking scene. Religious zealotry is either making the mutherfucking comeback of all time or technology is just making it too damn easy to smoke a fool for believing in the wrong fortune-telling grifter. Police kill people in the street for the most trivial of offenses and are declared innocent of all crimes under the blanket of completely transparent lies – even when video evidence says they’re guilty as fuck.

 

Hell, some dipshit decided to make a 7^th Fast and Furious movie for fuck’s sake – you DO NOT need me to tell you that things are bad – you know it already.

Of course, the question then becomes - How could any one person be expected to just keep up with, let alone care about all of this shit? Furthermore, how do you keep giving a damn when every 12 seconds there’s a new “most terrible thing in the world” to discover? How do you unravel an infinite web of lies? How can anyone hope to change anything when literally all the money in the world and the course of human history seem to be aligned against such an occurrence?

No, giving a shit costs – it costs you mentally and it costs you emotionally. If you decide to get too uppity about giving a shit – especially in a public place - it’ll cost you physically too. Therefore it’s simply much *easier* to play games, eat garbage and argue passionately about nonsense - because to do otherwise would be to court pain and suffering. We strike a bargain with the world and promise not to mention how shitty things are if everyone just leaves us alone, in peace with our entertainment, electronic trinkets and psychotropic pharmaceuticals. “Just please, please, please – let me consume in peace” we beg.

Well, I’m not going to leave you alone and I’m not going to let you consume in peace. I’m going to keep talking and if you keep listening – I think you’re going to discover that living a lie makes you angry. I think that deep down inside you know that you are capable of being more than a hungry mouth, raging hormones and a walking ATM machine.

Of course, I could be wrong about you and as we’ve already established, I’m probably batshit fucking crazy - so there’s a pretty good chance you’re only here to listen the “oldfag” “sperg-out.” That’s fair enough, but I’m going to keep talking anyways – because I find it therapeutic, because I own a decent headset and because quite frankly I love the sound of my own voice. Stick around, and maybe we’ll both learn something in the end…

You’ve been reading to Everyone Is Wrong but Me and if you expect some kinda medal for making it to the end of the article, you can go fuck yourself Charlie. Oh and subscribe to my channel, or I’ll send flying, cannibal monkeys to skullfuck your whole family. 

Ciao.