Episode 2: The Canuckistani Patriot Act

Hello again, you’re reading Everyone is Wrong But Me.

As those of you who’ve seen my first video may have sensed, I am not particularly fond of politics or politicians. More specifically, I view most elected officials and the lies they spew as a form of malignant, festering boil on the collective ass of humanity. I don’t have a favorite political party because that would be like having a favorite rape position and I openly mock the term “public servant” because anyone with half a fucking brain can see that a politician’s one and only job is to get elected by any means necessary.

 

Unfortunately, my general disdain for these rat-fuckers has thus far had no effect whatsoever on their ability to steal my money, pass laws that drastically affect my life and slaughter innocent people in my name. All the same, I don’t generally waste a lot of time complaining about politics for the same reason I don’t bitch about bad weather and stomach poisoning – it’s a bloody great waste of time.

Today however, I am going to make an exception on behalf of the noble peoples of Canuckistan who at this very moment are facing down their own homegrown version of the Patriot Act – the innocuously titled Bill C51. Since I *know* you flunked geography and have never read a newspaper in your life, let me explain:

• Canada is the country to your north with fucktons of snow, emo French girls and Americans who decided a few years back that “no, I won’t go back to the ‘Stan for another tour and you can go fuck yourself Sarge.”
• The nation is absolutely fucking huge and because the population tops out at about 35 million people, most of the country is just long stretches of highway surrounded by gas stations and Tim Horton’s Coffee franchises.
• As a whole, Canadians are a fuck lot like Americans – only with fewer guns, a very slightly more progressive legal system and an unhealthy obsession with proving that they are absolutely nothing like Americans. Like us, they mostly congregate in large urban areas to avoid the predations of wolves, bears and White Walkers.
• It is also against the law in Canada to yell loudly unless you are at a bar or hockey rink, which has lead to the international belief that Canadians are warm and polite. Don’t believe this for a second. They’re just the most passive aggressive mutherfuckers on the planet. These people would rather smile and nod at you than waste energy explaining that you’re a shithead. No, seriously – Canadians are master trolls.
• Despite this pent up aggression, they are generally a peaceful, if not pacifistic people. This is in part due to Canuckistan’s history of international peacekeeping and it part because they enjoy maintaining a smug superiority over “imperialist” Americans and the British.
• Finally, the Emperor for Life of Canuckistan is a pudgy, charmless man with no discernible lips and a head shaped like a peanut. He’s also secretly an evangelical whackjob who maintains a carefully cultivated, semi-atheist public persona for the purposes of remaining in power. His name is Stephen Harper and despite the fact that no Canadian will ever admit to voting for him, he’s been the Prime Minster of Canada for at least a hundred fucking years.

You got all that? Good, because to understand why Bill C 51 is so shocking, it’s important to understand how much Harper has already changed the country and why nobody can really stop him. Harper is the leader of the Progressive Conservative party – no seriously, that’s the real name and as far as I can tell nobody who votes for them is bothered by the sheer fucking cognitive dissonance involved in the slightest. As I was saying – these guys primarily draw their base of support from one province and the same kind of ignorant, backwater, rural communities that fuel the American Tea Party. They’re almost universally hated in the three largest cities in the country however.

Unfortunately, the Canuckistani electoral process is pretty much rigged so that a vote placed in a large urban area is worth only a tiny fraction as much as a vote placed in a depopulated rural shithole. This will sound pretty familiar to Americans who lived through the Bush presidency and it’s allowed Harper to gain an ever increasing stranglehold on the country since first being elected in 2008. 

Over that time Harper has increasingly involved the nation in the ridiculous fucking scam that is the “Global War on Terror” and deployed the Canadian military to places like Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya. Predictably, this has had the effect of drawing Canada to the attention of violent religious extremists while simultaneously radicalizing sympathizers, dissidents and lunatics looking to commit suicide by cop back home. 

 

For the most part, all this resulted in was empty threats and a lot of bad noise until 2013 when the authorities prevented a plot to derail a Toronto-bound train and a separate Boston Marathon-style bomb attack at a large, public gathering. 

Shit really hit the fan in October of 2014 however when a radicalized Canadian intentionally ran over two soldiers in a parking lot in Quebec, killing one.  Two days later, a single gunman shot and killed a Canadian solider guarding a War Memorial in Ottawa and then attempted to shoot his way into Parliament hill - although he was largely unsuccessful in doing so. Throw in the June ambush and assassination of 3 federal cops by a man who would have been called a terrorist if he weren’t so hopelessly white and you have the perfect fucking recipe for Harper’s Bill C 51.

So what the fuck is Bill C 51 already? Well, it’s being sold as an anti-terrorism bill that represents an absolutely necessary sacrifice of *minor* personal freedoms by the great people of Canuckistan - to protect them from violent, gory deaths at the hands of shadowy Islamic militants that walk among them. It’s been called “the Canadian Patriot Act” by some, but in a way that’s entirely unfair because a normal human being can actually read the fucking thing – it’s only 62 pages long.  

That’s a good thing because carefully reading Bill C 51 is a bigger mindfuck than the last twenty minutes of the movie “Jacob’s Ladder.” The document is full of vague, emotional language that goes well beyond fighting fucking terrorism. The bill also grants government-controlled authorities, unprecedented powers to go after anyone who “undermines the security of Canada” by interfering with the country’s “economic or financial stability.”

 

Wait, it actually gets better.  Bill C 51 also allows authorities to arrest and detain someone if a terrorist act "may be carried out.” Yeah, you heard that right, “may be carried out” – presumably this will involve a specialized team of fucking psychic investigators but the bill is a little fuzzy on the details.

The bill allows the government to add anyone it believes *might* be travelling to engage in terrorism to the no fly list, and no, I’m not exaggerating here.  It also allows them to force providers to take down websites it thinks are promoting terrorism and “disrupt” communications between people it thinks are plotting terrorist attacks. Naturally, there is no definition of "disrupt" in the entire fucking bill.

As if all that weren’t bad enough however, the real motherfucking cherry on top of Bill C 51 is the part where it makes it illegal to advocate or promote “the commission of terrorism offences in general.” What in the flying fuck is a terrorism offence in general and what exactly constitutes advocating or promoting one? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS, cause it CERTAINLY doesn’t say here in Bill C 51!

Actually, nobody really *DOES* know – newspapers in Canuckistan are full of lawyers and journalists pointing out hypothetical ways you could violate the new law. Do you think the Palestinian people have a right to oppose the government of Israel in Gaza? For fuck’s sake don’t say that shit out LOUD man – Hamas is designated as a terrorist organization by the government of Canada! Sympathize with Chechen rebels, speak out for Tamil dissidents or just wish someone would chop off Kim Jong Un’s head in North Korea, and you could be looking at a 5 years in the bin according to legal experts. 

Need more evidence that this bill is nothing short of a brazen grasp at sweeping, authoritarian powers by Stephen Harper and the Canuckistan Government? Okay then, let’s talk about the fact that virtually all of the shit this bill supposedly protects Canadians from is *already* illegal. Authorities already have the power to arrest people plotting terrorist attacks. They can already remove hate propaganda from the internet. Finally, they can already arrest and prosecute any asshole who counsels or actively encourages someone to commit a fucking terrorist attack.

The difference here is entirely in the wording folks, instead of attacks that “will be carried out”, Bill C 51 now refers to attacks that “may be carried out.” Instead of punishing those who directly encourage political violence, it now allows authorities to arrest people who merely advocate “terrorism in general”. This is underpinned by the fact that the legal definition of terrorism in Canada is already EXTREMELY fucking loose to begin with might I add. Finally, I can’t even begin to comprehend the implications of a government with the power to block phone calls, seize passports and tear down websites because they fucking BELIEVE you MIGHT be somehow involved in whatever the fuck they’re calling terrorism today. 

Mutherfucker you have GOT to be kidding me – this bill would make Augusto Pinochet blush with immodesty. Furthermore, there’s a VERY good fucking chance it will never survive a challenge in the Supreme Court of Canuckistan because things like free speech and flying to Florida in the winter are protected rights in Canada. 

Despite this however, Stephen Harper has both the political power and the presumed mandate to ram this shitwaffle into actual law for the time being. He’s got an election coming up this Fall and his party is betting that they can win by assuring a scared populace that only Harper can keep them safe- at the cost of a few minor rights and liberties of course.

Actually, the really fucked up thing about all this is that there’s no evidence whatsoever that Canuckistan even NEEDS new laws to keep its people safe. 

The plot to derail the train was discovered when someone in the local Muslim community tipped off the Feds and at the point arrests were made, the attack was still in the planning stage.

The pressure cooker bomb plot was halted by police who’d been monitoring the couple’s actions for months. In fact, the two “terrorists” appear to be self-radicalized junkies – recent converts to Islam with no associations to any known terrorist organization. Furthermore, the whole case may be a textbook study in police entrapment – originally, the dynamic duo planned to get a bunch of guns and shoot up a Canadian military installation until the undercover fed watching them steered them towards pressure cooker bombs at a public rally. Regardless, even the fucking spokesman for the RCMP admitted that “These devices were completely under our control, they were inert, and at no time represented a threat to public safety,”

The ramming attack was perpetrated by a 25 year old French Canadian who was living with his parents at the time. He too was a very recent convert to Islam, after having lost his small business and becoming estranged from his wife and young child. In the aftermath of the tragedy, a neighbor said the following about him: "I don’t think it’s a terrorist act," she said. "He needed help. We could see that he needed psychiatric help."

The shooter in Ottawa was a 32 year old crack addict with a long history of petty crimes, mental illness and an overpowering sense of wanderlust.   He once tried to hold up a McDonald’s with a sharpened stick and then purposely waited for the cops to arrest him as part of a complicated detox plan. He too was self-converted and self-radicalized; although it’s hard to say exactly when this happened as he gave completely different dates to everyone he ever discussed the subject with.  About 20 days before the shooting, he tried to renew his passport and leave for Libya but was denied. People who knew him suggested that being trapped in Canuckistan was the real motive for his actions – as much as someone as mentally fucking disturbed as this guy can HAVE a motive.

In all four incidents, the perpetrators of these attacks were either arrested, or killed. Their combined body count was two – with zero victims being actual civilians. As I’m writing this, news is breaking that the Halifax police thwarted a Columbine-style shooting plot on Valentine’s Day. 3 suspects are in custody and the only fatality is a gunman who decided to eat a bullet in the privacy of his own home before the cops got to him.

All of this was accomplished with regular, old-fashioned police work and laws already on the books today. While the murder of two soldiers is indeed a tragedy, only a fucking child believes you can have a war without casualties – even a fake war against an abstract noun.

 

No, if Stephen Harper and his Regressive Conservative party really wanted to keep Canadians safe from terrorist attacks, he’d stop sending Canuckistani soldiers to bleed out in some god-forsaken shithole on behalf of corporate interests. If they really gave a fuck about solving the problem, they’d reinvest in Canada’s shattered mental health system. Canuckistan doesn’t have a violent Islamic extremist problem – it has loner nutbag copycats slipping through the cracks problem, and bill C 51 will do nothing to solve it. 

Not that Stephen Harper cares however – he’s hit the big time now: a giant peanut-headed king perched on a throne fashioned from cow shit and oil. C 51 will pass and if it isn’t immediately struck down by the Supreme Court of Canuckistan, it will fundamentally destroy the right to free speech in the country. Isn’t democracy fucking grand folks?

You’ve been reading Everyone Is Wrong But Me – the Canuckistani Patriot Act Edition. If you made it this far, just fucking subscribe to my channel already. Come on Georgie, we all float down here….

Ciao